Becoming Beautiful. 🦋

Transformation Takes Time…

Every Moment You Devote to Accepting and Embracing Change, is worth its weight in gold.

This pic collage is called vulnerability and the reason I put myself out there, so naked and ugly is because I know, that for some one random person out there—that after seeing this, that YOU—might question some things…and maybe someone else will see this and find the hope they seek, or maybe for someone else they might now know that possibilities like this one actually exist. That we do recover. 🦋

Here’s the real deal—not everyone gets the gift of sobriety but if they do, they take that other chance that life gave them and they work towards their new role in service. 👊🏻 To stay sober, we work with others, to stay “on plan” on our wellness journeys, we continue to reach out to our communities…our recovery is quite similar. It works on a daily reprieve and on reflection and self love, awareness and improvement.

How we protect and safeguard our lives and avoid relapse by reaching out to those who still suffer—That’s most of us.

Ultimately?

Success is found in community and fellowship.

Trauma. Abuse. Conditioned thoughts and ideas are what got us there—it wasn’t the drugs, alcohol or food that destroyed our lives…these were just the things that catapulted us back into existence. It’s what “showed” outwardly to a certain extent—the habits that were frowned upon. It’s actually what got us help.

Our real pain though, the root of all symptoms and diseases and addictions at some point or another will come to a head. You can’t run forever. And when that rock bottom happens—you know it without question. There isn’t much of anything you haven’t tried to fix yourself. You accept you are lost…

So we had a choice—to die the way we were or to change.


And I chose to be willing…and from there my journey started. Now I live the life I love—I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I am happy, joyous, and free…the promises are REAL.

I pray you choose change today too because you are loved, deserving and you are important to the world. So if you sometimes feel like you don’t belong, find your tribe by finding the right support. We need you. And maybe you need us too. Help One, Save Two.

Today marks 937 days sober.

Purpose from Heaven.

Having people who “don’t prefer you,” means you are living life as your true authentic self.

That you aren’t trying to make everyone like you or, “people please.”

When you, “people please,” you rob God’s handiwork in allowing others to be touched by His masterpiece…which is, of course—YOU.

Practicing self care, self love can also include simply being yourself.

Embody You.

Stay in your own lane—with God.

You will always be loved by Him and be safe.

He made You—on Purpose!

And He made You—for a Purpose!

Today’s blog post is dedicated to my Grandma, Norma Jean Vensel, one of the only members of my family to actually take interest in, and read my writing. She passed away this month at the age of 89; this one is for you, Grandma—thank you for always making me feel proud of who I am as a loved Child of God.

All Boxed Up.

I just found two full boxes of baking supplies in my dining room.

They have literally been there since Christmas…but not only did they have Christmas baking supplies in them, they also had much Valentine’s Day, red sprinkles, muffin cups for Easter, little bunny candies, and all kinds of sugary toppings one could indulge themselves with if they truly really hated themselves.

And I’m wondering…was that me???

When I took these boxes straight to the garbage can, I felt sick. I hesitated for a split second in wondering if I should be (wasting) throwing away perfectly good bags of Hershey Kisses and opened but slightly used bags of powdered sugar…the sprinkles from every holiday that had been opened and half used…should I be jamming them down into the garbage the way I was??? And why was I feeling so…

I don’t know.

I had a hard time even describing to myself everything I felt while doing this.

But it didn’t feel good…

This would have typically been a moment for me to call my mother. But instead, I decided to see if I could determine what was bothering me on my own. I had a close uncle of mine pass away somewhat recently and it truly rocked my side of the family’s world. Ever since then, I can’t help but put my own expiration date into view. It made me realize that my parents wouldn’t be here forever, that someday, and maybe someday sooner than I want, I will be here alone. And there will be no one to call to talk me through such moments of distress, or questions about life, etc.

This may sound sad, but it is part of life. And if anything, I believe that it makes us appreciate each day and each other a little bit more…hug people when you can. Listen and learn from them things they have taken from their life that they are willing to openly share…

When I was cleaning up this bakery gone wild station, it reinforced for the first time for ME that I was doing what I wanted to do, the way I wanted to do it and it was all my decision. It became empowering in that way. I sorted through these feelings and decided I should blog or write about what was within me here instead of eating my feelings. And so far, I believe I have made some major progress when it comes to developing new tactics to unsolved problems— and when it comes to new strategies in dealing with triggers and life’s offerings that we don’t always handle the best way we could. So, points for that one too.

Part of my journey has taught me, especially most recently, that “progress, not perfection” goes a very long way, and that self-love and in particular self-compassion, can often save you from yourself.

What I mean is instead of whipping myself for any little mistake or lack thereof that I might have done before, instead I leaned into the notion that I truly was, one of my own best friends…so, what, or how would I speak to a friend in this same situation? I used that voice to determine my outcome, and it completely changed my train of thought; it forgave and loved me for all that I have been through…and furthermore it asked me to put away my harsh voice, and to never let it back in the door ever again.

We all make choices, but knowing who we are…at the very pit of us…at the very bottom of our very lowest, is where we often find who we are looking for…and sometimes you must dig very very deep to find this person, and often when you do find them, they are huddled shivering in a dark corner somewhere…and that’s when you realize that in order to save yourself…you must first forgive yourself, you must love yourself, you must see yourself as God sees you…as a child. As one of His children. And no one can change that. You belong somewhere. And you are forever and ever loved.

The sooner you believe this and feel this, the freer you might be from all the things that try to tell you otherwise. And there are tons of delusions in our world; lots of trains of thought that get us… that turn our heads in the wrong direction, ones that confuse and devastate us, and truly ones that break our heart…but know–that you are never broken. You may feel sometimes like you have been smashed and pieces of you and your soul are everywhere…but it is only confusion. The strength and love that is inside of you, is always much greater than what anything outside of you could ever do.

I hope that this reaches someone today that needs to hear some type of message about love. I consider myself a continued survivor. What I mean by that I’m not quite sure…but I keep on living and healing and loving and somehow? It makes my life more and more worth living. So, I thank you, God. Thank you to my Higher Power for working through me to help others, to love them, to help them see themselves for the magnificence that they truly are.

And Amen…to that.

You are magnificent!

Dig.

My memories are like seeds…

That have been cut in half.

Half of them grew

Half of them didn’t

And the ones that remain

Somehow wedged in the Earth,

Are broken.

They shift

They change shape

As they long to grow

To see the Sun.

When It’s Time.

There will come a day

When I hear the birds

For a final time.

Will the clock still

Tick without me?

It did for you…

And now I sit

And wait for it

Each morning to

Somehow bring you

Back…

This clock

That was yours.

This time that is still ours somehow

Together…

The birds still chirp.

I think of you.

Family Matters.

My past tells me there is nothing worse than family pain, but even worse than that is when it becomes public.
I remember trying very hard (in the moment) to not say or do anything I’d later regret, to rise above, and to grant forgiveness even though it was never asked for, even when I was being dragged through the coals unnecessarily or when I felt completely wronged. I stayed silent.

I said nothing in response to the character attacks, to the assassination that was me…
And I apologized for anything I could’ve done to deserve abandonment. And I stayed silent.


No one knew the truth. My truth. And I didn’t dare suggest it in order to not disrespect my family or out them in their privacy. Even though they ripped mine apart. I stayed silent.


In the end I apologized for things that I could’ve been accountable for, which were nill, but I did it anyway. I did it to reestablish the peace, not just for me, but for my household, the ones living amongst my pain and chaos. And then, I stayed silent.


After this was over, after I was forgiven, I never was afforded the same understanding. And I stayed silent.


It bothered me briefly, but I put it away and moved on…I stayed silent.

What I learned is that some people need to be understood in their own ignorance. That some people need left right where they are so that you can move on…
Some people will never get the opportunity to grow because they can’t allow themselves to see fault or accept any type of accountability or responsibility for their part that they played in anything.
And that is the true crime—the life that’s not lived. The stagnant soul. The one that refuses change. Change being the reason life’s worth living in the first place.


I’d rather be silent.
And love. And move on.

To Be Willing.

I used to be very overwhelmed. I suffered from what felt like a debilitating form of anxiety. There was never “just one” problem—the world seemed like it was my enemy.


When I started on a spiritual path to serve God, things changed. I was no longer depending upon myself, but giving it all to a power far greater than I was.


I’m no longer ill at ease when I work on my transformation—to be a living sacrifice to the God of my understanding.


I know now, that all I need is to be “willing.” God does for me what I can’t do for myself.

In a Nutshell.

My uncle died sober—a goal for us all, but he was definitely one of us. He was truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Years ago on Thanksgiving his wife, my aunt, committed suicide after being pulled over the night before for a DUI. No one knew of her struggles with alcoholism.

Years later, uncle Glenn came close to death when he wrecked his car and broke his neck.

He moved in with my mom and dad.

My dad, then a recovering alcoholic introduced him to the fellowship and the rest is history.

My father growing up was an awful alcoholic and it was a very tumultuous and secretively upsetting upbringing for both me and my brother.


Two years ago on April 21st I decided to tell my secret—that I too was an alcoholic. My father didn’t hesitate to show up at my door, big book in hand.

And that’s where and when I started my journey of recovery.

That’s when I became free.

That’s when I gave everything to a power much bigger than myself.

And to this day, I feel my aunt didn’t die in vain; I believe like ripples in a pond, I was saved.

Happy Birthday.

Two years ago today, I decided to make some major changes in my life.


I have been inspired, challenged, worked, and motivated, to make ME a better me, not just for my own sake, but for those that love me and surround me.


I’ve learned many lessons, but the most important one is that I am part of a bigger existence. It’s not just all about me…and that my self will, will get me shorted each and every time.
I depend upon and pay homage to a Higher Power—My Life Force—the Master of Change and Forgiveness—My Creator.


And today, I know a new peace. A new serenity, and a new life.
Blessings. đź’š

Hey, Stranger.

A light in the dark, could be you. Let your light shine! Share with others your story, experience, journey, and encourage unity in healing.

Be the person you were always meant to be.


Be kind. Be generous. Be loving.

Be a listener, who actively listens.

Be a guide, that motivates courage.

Be a supporter, that promotes change.

When you let love in, your ability to share is endless. And what you get in return is absolutely priceless! ❤️

We can change the world, because we can change ourselves.