Personal Development – Party Gatherings

Killing Thyme.

Reflections…

I remember waking up in the early dawn days with my boxer at my side wondering what the day would bring…I was always so hopeful.

But I knew, that time would bring me nothing.

I never fully admitted this to myself. I kept my hope and kept praying, and worked diligently on my mindset, but truth be told, there was no action in my life that was going to save me from me.

I used to sit on this one particular part of my couch and read…searching for life’s answers, wondering as countless days, hours, minutes strolled by all around me and wondering what I was secretly going to do to actually change my situation.

I felt so hopeful and hopeless.

At that point in time in my life, I wasn’t even capable of understanding what my situation was, and dare I say that sometimes I still don’t.

But what I do know now is…that that is perfectly okay, even normal…and that all I have to do is be “willing,” to start a new beginning. I don’t have to know all the answers to begin to change my life entirely. I simply must want to change.

Awareness is the first step to the catalyst of change. But action…is the deal maker or breaker. And what you do or where you go from deciding to change, and where it leads to is or is not the actual success. It’s not what you did, it’s what you do now.

Changing from the Inside~ Out…

My main difference in becoming more awake, alive, and living a life full of meaning comes from something much greater than myself…and I have learned through personal experience and practice, that my Higher Power, when asked for His intervention will handle the rest.

All of the rest. And that is what allows me to grow, to let go, and to find peace, love and light that is in this world and all around me if I choose to see it and live each day with purpose. I live in the life of gratitude, in serving others, and in maintaining my sobriety, my program, my daily reprieve.

Living One Day at a Time…

Acceptance. There are no more “forevers.” It is always just for today…

Time…has no boundaries in this fashion. It becomes nearly illogical. To find God, we live in the now. And that is where true growth and change lives. And at the height of my journey that is where I aim to be as much as possible.

Huge breakthroughs, miracles, monumental seasons can banish old tides when we stay present and count our blessings, and it can also come crashing like new waves into your life when you finally learn to let go…and let God. Your Higher Power. Your universal truth. Your inner light. Your spiritual being. And I hope and pray you find this, because it is serenity. Bless you!

To keep things light, I have included a picture of my dead herb I found this morning on my kitchen floor, showcasing for all to see that THYME is nothing but a mind trick. Anything can happen. At ANY TIME.

Hope’s Hero

The clouds roll by slowly

as though they’ve probably always

done before

slowly edging, forever passing

the height of the tree lines…

They do not stop

They do not hesitate

Or ponder

Or formulate regret

From days’ past

Or what is on the other side…

They simply roll…

Slowly

Easily

Not caring who sees them

Or who doesn’t

Because they know the secret

So many forget…

That faith is sometimes

Found through calm

Fierceness

A gentle edging

Forever pushing

Through the turmoil

Through the tree lines

To something wonderful

To something no one else sees

To something we all have buried deep inside…

To something called, Hope.

Mindfulness.

A Morning Meditation on Easter Sunday…

For me…this is the most simplistic and doable spread I’ve ever allowed myself.

And for me…this was one of the most memorable moments I’ve had since the loss of my grandmother, since the absence of my mother and father, and since my growing abundance of my small family that surrounds me right now that I’ve ever had.

This moment is to be planted and harvested—it is to be stored; because it’s the first of its kind that will remind me of how I once did something that went against an old behavior.

Today—I am new.

New traditions and new happiness happen when we allow ourselves the freedom to embark on new adventures and opportunities in our lives. Growth, though sometimes painful and often difficult, allow us to see new beginnings, new possibilities, and new ways of life like never before.

And sometimes…?

That’s a very good thing.

In fact, sometimes, it is the light at the end of a long tunnel. The mat in front of the doorstep, the caring call from a new friend or neighbor, a memory of times past when we were together that reminds us of what life is really all about—love.

And how that looks for you today, even if it’s different than yesterday, is something that can never die. Love endures forever. And that is a foundational truth.

Love. Short and sweet, is all we need.

If you are full of it today, consider sharing it. Love. More than food, love can be felt and it can be shared sometimes by simply being present.

Sometimes being present is the actual gift.

And Amen to that.

Lowering Expectations.

When I first met my husband, I remember, talking non-stop. It’s something I’ve always done, but I used to be quite a chatterbox, probably not allowing others to get much more than a word in…I was young, and my beef was always with others instead of the reality of the situation—that I, in most cases was the actual problem.

I remember him telling me once, “Jeanna…you just need to just—lower your expectations—!

A man of few words, I still remember this…and what (probably) came afterwards towards him was a tidal wave a defense mechanisms, all that defended my stance and character defects in feeling as though I’d been stunned, shunned, and insulted to the highest degree.

It wouldn’t be until years later that this conversation would rear its head again, and this time it came at a point in time (when I was much older and in recovery), that I was willing to listen.

“Lowering your expectations,” even now sounds so defeatist to me. But when I really think about it, it’s truly just a ploy to help us understand how to get rid of that “all or nothing” thinking—that slight nudge we all have towards “perfectionism.”

“Progress not perfection,” they say…but what does that even mean, and how does that slogan even apply to all aspects of our journey when it comes to lowering our expectations.

For me, I realize now, that lowering my expectations does NOT mean lowering my standards, changing my values, or lowering the bar in the creation of my goals.

It does; however, mean, that I sometimes expect more out of others and situations that are even possible and THAT is what sets me up for failure and the awful feelings of disappointment and despair…and when I feel let down by others it can sometimes feel like I’m unloved, taken for granted, or that I’m on some type of “no fly” list.

So I’ve learned to lean in to what “lowering expectations” means for others and so far I’ve learned that it’s actually a very healthy way of defeating the “all or nothing” mentality.

Sometimes we wait for that perfect moment or person to come along in our lives in order to make a decision. Honest mistake, but one in which the all or nothing approach loves best…

Our minds tell us that we should be validated and emotionally invested and supported by others in order to be successful but in reality, that’s only looking for trouble. Lowering our expectations of others means we no longer need their emotional validation in order for us to be successful.

Lowering expectations can also mean:

-a realistic and achievable viewpoint

-predetermined success

-being relevant and helpful

-making things doable

-preparation for long term success

-ensuring our success by making responsible and mature choices

-being forgiving of others and oneself

So instead of carrying the stigma of negative consequences that “lowering expectations” used to have for me, I’ve flipped the script; today I instill my own best practices which include lowering my expectations and heightening realistic outcomes.

Here’s to a new day full of endless opportunities and great things for those who choose to be part of the journey in finding joy in the adventure.

May you be well—Always.

❤️

Snow, at Dawn.

When it snows

at Dawn

I see the angels calling…

All the white glitter

Of Easter or special secrets

Untouched by the human eye…

Only to melt away

With promises

Of their Return

Once More.

Agape

In the dim stillness

I am grateful to be alone.

And when I am, I feel God.

There is stillness and memories—

Alone times from year’s past—

Clear back to the stairs

in the white lace, sitting patiently,

Sitting quietly…Sitting alone.

Years before the rocking—

the tears, fears, and mental anguish…

I simply started off alone.

Curious perhaps, even afraid,

terrified of what I might find

all alone in that dim stillness.

I waited forever.

To see it.

To bask in it.

To touch it.

I could never seem to get close enough…

Until one day,

It turned me inside out.

It transformed my life.

And I was never the same

again.

Purpose from Heaven.

Having people who “don’t prefer you,” means you are living life as your true authentic self.

That you aren’t trying to make everyone like you or, “people please.”

When you, “people please,” you rob God’s handiwork in allowing others to be touched by His masterpiece…which is, of course—YOU.

Practicing self care, self love can also include simply being yourself.

Embody You.

Stay in your own lane—with God.

You will always be loved by Him and be safe.

He made You—on Purpose!

And He made You—for a Purpose!

Today’s blog post is dedicated to my Grandma, Norma Jean Vensel, one of the only members of my family to actually take interest in, and read my writing. She passed away this month at the age of 89; this one is for you, Grandma—thank you for always making me feel proud of who I am as a loved Child of God.

Dig.

My memories are like seeds…

That have been cut in half.

Half of them grew

Half of them didn’t

And the ones that remain

Somehow wedged in the Earth,

Are broken.

They shift

They change shape

As they long to grow

To see the Sun.

Family Matters.

My past tells me there is nothing worse than family pain, but even worse than that is when it becomes public.
I remember trying very hard (in the moment) to not say or do anything I’d later regret, to rise above, and to grant forgiveness even though it was never asked for, even when I was being dragged through the coals unnecessarily or when I felt completely wronged. I stayed silent.

I said nothing in response to the character attacks, to the assassination that was me…
And I apologized for anything I could’ve done to deserve abandonment. And I stayed silent.

No one knew the truth. My truth. And I didn’t dare suggest it in order to not disrespect my family or out them in their privacy. Even though they ripped mine apart. I stayed silent.

In the end I apologized for things that I could’ve been accountable for, which were nill, but I did it anyway. I did it to reestablish the peace, not just for me, but for my household, the ones living amongst my pain and chaos. And then, I stayed silent.

After this was over, after I was forgiven, I never was afforded the same understanding. And I stayed silent.

It bothered me briefly, but I put it away and moved on…I stayed silent.

What I learned is that some people need to be understood in their own ignorance. That some people need left right where they are so that you can move on…
Some people will never get the opportunity to grow because they can’t allow themselves to see fault or accept any type of accountability or responsibility for their part that they played in anything.
And that is the true crime—the life that’s not lived. The stagnant soul. The one that refuses change. Change being the reason life’s worth living in the first place.

I’d rather be silent.
And love. And move on.

To Be Willing.

I used to be very overwhelmed. I suffered from what felt like a debilitating form of anxiety. There was never “just one” problem—the world seemed like it was my enemy.

When I started on a spiritual path to serve God, things changed. I was no longer depending upon myself, but giving it all to a power far greater than I was.

I’m no longer ill at ease when I work on my transformation—to be a living sacrifice to the God of my understanding.

I know now, that all I need is to be “willing.” God does for me what I can’t do for myself.