Month: May 2019

Can I tell you a secret?

I like the rain.

Lately this weather we have been having has made a lot of people feel down in the dumps. It’s been raining on and off for nearly a week now and the storms have been quite aggressive, but for some reason, at this time in my life, it feels good. Relaxing.

It has done wonderous things for our flowers outside too but after my son’s pre-k graduation ceremony I fell ill, and it wasn’t something that I could control either. He is now on an antibiotic (I just got off of mine) and he is constantly coughing. They are saying the culprit is a sinus infection but either way, the poor thing is definitely under the weather…so the weather has been good to us. It’s given us a reason to stay inside and recoup.

I don’t have much to say today because we have been sick here or resting and not much has been going on when you don’t get out in the world. It made me think though of all of the times I’ve been well and sat at home not living life. How many wasted opportunities I’ve had to enjoy each and every day to its max. but instead stayed home and isolated myself.

Some days we need rest. But maybe others should be used for re-energizing ourselves. There is always something new that we can be doing. For today we are staying home but tomorrow I told my five-year-old, we have to go to the store and get groceries. By then our rations will be even more dismal.

I’m considering getting us a pool pass for the year just to have a commitment of some kind to get us out and about each day.

Is there anything other than work that you do each day that you feel adds to your life in a special way? Sometimes enjoying life means taking time out to do it. It sounds silly, but it’s true. You must make time for fun and do the things you enjoy in order to live a balanced life.

I hope today is a day in which the rain seems like something to celebrate and that new beginnings are right around your corner. There is always a time to change with God on your side as his mercy is new each and every day. And Amen to that!

“There is nothing better for a man than that he should eat and drink and make himself enjoy good in his labor. Even this, I have seen, is from the hand of God.” Ecclesiastes 2:24

It has taken so long for my computer to start that I nearly skipped this blog post and went on about my day, but finally, after the spinning wheel kept turning, the word document opened up.

I haven’t been blogging most recently in fear that I would drive some people away. I know this is stupid and something I shouldn’t in the least be worried about, but beyond me being sick with allergies and not “feeling it” my blogging has taken to the wayside. It’s definitely taken a back seat.

I finally finished the antibiotics they gave me just yesterday and I’m hoping in the long run they help me somewhat but man, there for days I was down. I couldn’t seem to get my energy back up enough to even function and it made my depression and anxiety even worse.

Thank God for new days though as yesterday I was finally able to pick my head up without all of the spinning. My allergies make me incredibly dizzy which can get annoying.

Today we look at a little over a month that has passed without our dear Tyson and I’d say the worst of it is going on Facebook everyday and looking at the “memories” that filter through my phone. He was captured in EVERY moment because he was such a family dog that was at our feet and he was just there…always there. I try to tell myself that he is in a better place and I pray it is a place I will someday get to visit too.

My five-year-old had his graduation ceremony and it was bittersweet. On to Kindergarten we go now. This summer I’m sure will fly by with all of the things we plan on doing. I wish this year we were going to the beach, but we might settle for a handful of pool days and perhaps a trip to Lake Erie instead.

The kids all had graduation caps—the boys had baby blue ones and the girls had pastel pink. They all got a chance to go up and get their diplomas and as their names were called the teacher told the audience what each child wanted to be when they grew up.

My five-year-old said: “…he wanted to work with his daddy.” And I could’ve cried had I not been so busy trying to run down the aisle for a better photo. There were a ton of people there and two classes that graduated, but nevertheless there those kids go, off into the world and practicing something they will do again and again until the end of high school.

I can’t imagine a time that far in the future. In taking things one day at a time, I stay sane, but it can be daunting. The world is such a mysterious place and every day it seems things tend to change. Change over time is good but often times we don’t always deal with change the best way we could. This limits our growth as a people and with God. I pray that I am humbled and that as time moves on I am able to find new ways of dealing with change in appropriate and positive ways. I pray the same for you, as it is the best way to live your life—happy, joyous, and free. And Amen to that! When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!

“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who give to all generously.” James 1:5

Is there anything in this world that you can rely on wholeheartedly? And at the end of the day know that it is (for a fact), still there?

I’m sitting in the dark blogging this morning because I’m doing all that I can to make sure my five-year-old doesn’t wake up.

I need this time alone this morning. But I am not alone. God is with me. And that has proven over the few decades that I have been alive, to mean something.

Every morning (since last summer), I have gotten into the habit of waking up and doing a devotional each day. I used to do this way back when I first moved home after my divorce while smoking in my parent’s garage. Now, I sit in the dark and type and blog after having a cup of coffee. Oh, how things change.

My divorce was around ten years ago. I don’t remember the exact dates, as the concept of time has always been somewhat of a mystery to me.

But I do remember (quite well) smoking cigarettes one after the other in that garage at my parent’s old place. It was one of the first times I grew to know Jesus. As odd as it sounds, it’s true. I would wake up each morning before anyone else did, and take my devotional packet, the one that mom would get from Dr. Charles Stanley or something else I could pick up from “Dad’s shelf” and sneak it outside with me.

Between the readings and watching the sun rise each morning, I healed. But it was He who healed me.

We can give due credit to those who surround us here on earth that offer their support and love, but there is nothing like Jesus who saves. I remember being saved. How it felt, and even now realize the difference between earthly awakenings and spiritual ones. They are magnificent and there isn’t anything like a spiritual awakening here on earth that evokes the same type of feelings. They are out of this world.

Yesterday we went to the playground because it finally stopped raining for one day! I got a little too much sun and I am burnt a tad but I’m not complaining! Give me the fruit of the spirit any day of the week. I have always loved the sunshine. It’s the learning to appreciate the cloudy days sometimes that seems almost the hardest. But I’ve made big changes and moves (even physical ones) since my divorce and this morning I was reminded of that. And I was very thankful.

Our neighbor, is one of the best people I know. And yesterday he knocked on the back door and offered to show my five-year-old the cicadas that were still hatching under some cool rocks in his yard. It was something, although simple grew to be one of the most meaningful times of the weekend.

“How old are you, honey?” he asked as he pulled the stones away.

After thinking for a moment, I said: “37.”

“Well you would remember then the last time the cicadas came, because it would have been roughly twenty years ago.” Seventeen I believe he said to be exact, but I can’t remember now…either way it made me flashback to roughly twenty years ago and the last time the cicadas came.

I was living in Denver at the time and attending the University of Denver’s Publishing Institute. It was the next step I did after graduating from college here in Pa, and one in which I thought…was going to take me to the big apple and attempt to tackle the big old world of Publishing.

Least did I know that God had other plans.

But there it was….twenty years. And here I am.

Can you remember where you were twenty years ago? I remember hearing those cicadas while walking on a sidewalk in Denver and wondering what the heck they were. Mysterious little creatures and creepy as heck. Either way I give thanks for them as they make part of God’s creations so miraculous. They are so intricate and show us all how magic can exist even in this world that we live in. To survive for seventeen years underground and somehow hatch seems to be a miracle, but it only indicates God’s power through the simplest devices if we are looking for them.

I pray you have a day that is full of small miracles, and that you look for them. And that you look at the passing of time with thankfulness and gratitude.

Amen!

“You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:31

The problem with technology, is that it can totally take over your life without you ever realizing it. It starts in subtle ways, but truly attacks your love center—meaning your brain. Suddenly the world exists, “only” on your phone where people that you know in real life create stories of themselves and share it for the world to see. What a guilty pleasure; how could anyone resist in today’s society when that is what it requires to “be” social? You either hole up and not join Facebook, or live your life in the jungle like the rest of us. Hours of countless scouring for new messages and ‘feeds’ that work as quick fixes to our lonely hearts and brains.

The truth is we are losers at love.

Your phone won’t ever love you the way you should first love yourself, and then others. And certainly, anything doesn’t come close to how much God loves you. But he isn’t on technology or Facebook. But somehow He has the power to be omnipresent. So why don’t we give Him more credit in our lives?

There is a certain type of comradery that goes along with Facebook. And because I consider myself a positive person, I consider Facebook for its definite positives.

There is NOTHING in our world today that speaks to us the way Facebook does.

It is just in how we use it or choose to evaluate it to be part of the issues that surround it. This comradery is something not said aloud, but somehow ingrained in us to be understood: we support one another. Untimely, we do. It’s a part of what we undoubtedly molded into an awareness or new social etiquette over the years. At the end of the day, we share, like, and comment by “showing” our love to others in ways in which they know they will be understood. We “like” posts in the same way we “like” people or certain ideas. It is the way the world works now and something I’ve found myself generally adapting to and attempting to figure out since the big boom of the internet.

I always try and talk about (or tell myself) how change is good. It is the inevitable, so we almost have to make it that way…but, have you ever had change happen “too” fast?

I feel this way about technology and what it ultimately did, social media in particular, to our world. To us. Call us victims perhaps of change we couldn’t control, but could only adapt to the best ways in which we knew how. With friends.

I love the fact that even though technology doesn’t require as much face to face interaction, that it somehow requires even more face to face interaction.

I have found myself (especially lately) struggling with how to deal with the lack thereof of social interaction. Being a stay at home mom with a very small circle (right now) of friends “in real life” sometimes really weighs heavy on me. I pray about days when things will change and it will seem like light years away from where I sit today, but truly lately I have actually yearned for some new changes.

First of all, I would love a job. One in addition to “being mom.” I get envious sometimes of my husband for even having the ability to drive alone somewhere, let alone every day.

I miss having the pride of a paycheck and truly the honor it is to be part of the human race. I generally miss being somewhere out there in the world producing whatever it is that makes you tick on a daily basis. Being a stay at home mom is HARD. The lack of intimate relationships makes it even harder though. Work relationships are something in our society that we take for granted, but it is how a lot of our social circles function. It’s how mine used to anyhow.

I pray that in His time, that I will find myself ever evolving again in a career or something outside of the house. And enough with what feels like, quick fixes. I know that something awaits, and I gain more and more excitement with each passing day in what the future holds, not just for me but also for my friends and family.

I pray you have a good day today, social media, and all. May nothing let you stop showing your love towards others, whether that be on Facebook or in real life. It’s your intention that always counts in the first place. And Amen to that!

“And endurance develops maturity of character. And character produces joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation.” Romans 5:4

Well, it’s another rainy day in western, Pa today.

The forecast is calling for clouds mixed with scattered rain ALL. DAY. LONG.

I’ll be honest, it’s finally starting to get to me. Not just the allergies that come with it, but the lack of sun and social time that good weather would generally afford us.

Have you ever had cabin fever? I’m starting to think it is a real thing.

I scheduled my hair appointment too far out. And now my roots are SO BAD, that I truly feel like I should be ashamed in even thinking about going outside in public anyway, but I can’t help myself. I’d do anything to defeat the awful reigns of depression, and most of this is self help talking but regardless, sometimes regardless of the situation you HAVE TO HELP YOURSELF. Even if it means dying your hair. Gosh.

Being patient can sometimes be hard but it doesn’t mean that you can’t do something in the mean time. That’s a phrase my grandma uses a lot. “In the meantime.” She uses it as a transition when telling stories and I LOVE THIS ABOUT HER. “In the meantime…” she will say and whatever happens next is typically quite thrilling. She is a great story teller (among other things), and speaker in general. But I grew up listening to her talk to my mother during their weekly visits and I remember how my mom would always be so intent on listening to what she was always going to say next. How generally, everyone was…listening to just her regardless of where she was or who was part of the conversation; grandma always stole the show and still does. Half the time, especially now, I wonder if she ever feels like she is quite bored with us all, as she never fails to delight everyone around her with tid bits of excellent information and conversation always. Just like Jesus, she is a lover of life. And it shows.

We all have our own ways and means of telling stories or communicating, but this morning it makes me think of Jesus, and what a patient, kind, stranger he was once to the world. I wondered if I was the same…in any which way. Either way, it makes me want to be more like Him. And it makes me want to surround myself with people like Him too.

It makes me want to be that way. And isn’t that the sign of a good influence? Regardless, the actions and reactions of Jesus makes me want to diminish all signs of rough speech, reactions, or words that come in the way between me and my Lord. And Amen to that. Words have power. They carry so much more meaning than what we give them credit for, but they are part of who we are, who we become, who we were always meant to be. The Bible gives us true direction. Our stories. Our lives. There is a much greater reason to believe. And the Bible is our book of truth. Our biggest blessing.

Isn’t it funny though how we can turn our heads so quickly and go “on to the next” when sometimes the biggest things in life are happening right before us? I wonder if that’s what people often thought of Jesus? If they knew of the power and magnitude that lay before them? If they thought perhaps, that he was simply a grand master story teller, or if they felt in awe of His presence when he used His divine words, those words that still speak to our hearts and are such a part of us all.

Another day cooped up inside won’t be the end of the world. Not mine. Tuesday I get my roots done and off with this brunette styling I have going on. My five-year-old graduates Tuesday evening with a grand little celebration at the church where he attends nursery school. And then, off to Kindergarten we go! And just like that…in the meantime, our names have been called! Let us rise to the occasion! I can only give thanks.

I pray you have a good day today regardless of whether you are inside or outside. Remember, it’s what is inside YOU that matters most. Do not allow outside elements to interfere with your joy; it is something that is freely given to you through Jesus Christ. And Amen to that!

“For in this hope we are saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of His son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, he also glorified.” Romans 8:24-30

I woke up quite differently than I am right now. As of this second, I feel somewhat of a hot mess.

I had a horrible night sleep due to some sinus issues and ended up spending part of my night/morning playing video games and sipping on some hot coffee to bide some time before my household woke up. It never occurred to me (I swear, it didn’t), that this would further my need to stay awake. The hot coffee felt so good on my throat and because we didn’t have any tea, I’ll admit I indulged. And indulged.

I usually LOVE mornings like this one. Times when I can take some time out alone and in the darkness before the world wakes up.

But not today.

I don’t know what was wrong with me, if it was that I wasn’t feeling well that added to my distress, or if (at the back of my mind), I couldn’t get over the fact that my five year old is graduating from Pre-K today, as today is his very last day of school. It is his turn to take snack today and he is all excited to take these new Hostess “mermaid” cupcakes and Capri Suns. Oh, when life was so easy.

I had true intentions of blogging way before now, but it seems as though every obstacle that could ever pass my way has, well…passed my way. Have you ever had mornings like this? Where it seems like everything you do there is a stop sign?

It got me thinking this morning that maybe I should slow down and actually listen for once what the world around me seems to be suggesting. After all, if I can’t enjoy THIS moment, when can I enjoy life?

Looking at milestones as though they are chores, is definitely not the way I want to live my life but sometimes, it creeps up on you…like a tiger in the bushes and worry takes over your joy.

Don’t let this happen to you.

It nearly did to me today.

But luckily I looked at myself in the mirror (studied my hot mess of a hair do that I have going on today), and got a sense of humor.

I like my hair like I like my attitude: light and bright. And right now I am sporting a dark brunette head with a blonde pony tail attached. My son and I go for hair cuts this Tuesday and it’s all I can do to hold off and keep on attempting to pull it back or style it in some type of “shabby chic” way.

Tuesday is also his graduation. They are having a ceremony. Both sets of grandparents are coming. And isn’t that the biggest blessing there ever could be? Celebrating with family during this proud moment of my little son’s life gives me so much joy when I actually think about it, that it easily dispels any negatives. Worrying about Kindergarten can wait till tomorrow. Until then….I need my roots done! And Amen to that!

Keep life simple. Easy. Free. Live with whimsy today and think of those who get to enjoy a mermaid cupcake. Life is rich. Enjoy it! It is up to you to make life better than it’s ever been.

“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.” Psalms 19:14

Tomorrow is my son’s last day of Pre-K. I can’t tell you how surreal this all feels.

 

It seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for our first day, and now our two years of attending the Lutheran Church Nursery School has come to an end.

 

I know that my five-year-old doesn’t get it and has no clue that he WON’T be seeing his teacher again that he has had for the past two years. But nevertheless, off to Kindergarten my little bird flies.

We couldn’t have been happier these past two years both with his school, and teacher and we were getting comfortable with our routine of three days a week. My son, who thrives on routine, will be somewhat dumbfounded when he gets a break for the summer. But having things switch up a bit (I keep telling myself), is going to be good for us.

We learn who his Kindergarten teacher will be this summer and they do an orientation for the students, including a bus ride, in August. So that will be the next big milestone that we will be looking forward to.

Now that my little one will be off to school, it will be time then for me to go back to work. Which, is still so high up in the air right now I can’t even see the clouds.

Before I had my son, I had just finished gaining my teaching certification, but it is something that by now has run out without adequate continuing education I was required to obtain to keep my license.

I can’t tell you how long ago the lifetime these past five years has felt like, but “before I became Mom,” is something I just can’t quite recall. I’m hoping once he starts school something will just “click” as it has so many other times in my life upon looking for my next step.

God is good and whatever path he has me on I know to remain faithful. There is a long road ahead and instead of being anxious about it all, I try to remind myself that it is more exciting than it is overpowering. Change is good. But sometimes in the middle of it all, if we don’t remain busy enough, it can really get to us.

We plan for a busy fun summer before my boy goes to full day Kindergarten. I plan to take him to the pool lots and have a lot of time spent outside.

Just last weekend I weeded my flower beds out front and put some new potting soil down when planting some zinnia seeds. We will see how they prosper, but I would be overjoyed in seeing those flowers bloom sooner rather than later.

My mom called me this morning with a prayer request and you know…it was one of the first times I remember being so grateful for being asked TO PRAY for someone instead of asking for it instead. It seems like I’m always asking for prayer as it has become my main source of reliance in tackling the world.

This blog post is turning into something more scattered than I had planned. Much like my zinnias. Sometimes with all of our planning that we take so much time doing, at the end of it all, things happen just as they do…as maybe they were supposed to anyway.

It’s okay I tell myself, to be scattered sometimes. It is what inspires. And when creativity can be found at its best.

Either way, God is with me, scattered or not, and you know…that brings me a lot of comfort in simply knowing it to be true. With God’s help, His master plan will be carried out and there is nothing I need to worry about. My mindfulness will keep me faithful. And Amen to that.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed. For I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)

I’ll never forget the day I learned I was pregnant.

My husband had just made tacos with the prettiest margaritas you’ve ever seen. I was just coming home from Walmart and saw this beautiful dinner set in front of me, and (jokingly) said: “Let me go take this pregnancy test first, before I drink this margarita.”

Moments later I was screaming from the bathroom because yes, indeed, I was definitely pregnant.

We both freaked out and went back to Walmart as I proceeded to buy every home pregnancy test they had. Over the next few days (before I could make it to my gynecological visit), I took ten pregnancy tests.

At one point I had them all lined up in a row and I remember taking a picture of them—just for proof somehow that they did indeed, say YES.

I had a rough pregnancy. But it was worth every minute. I never did get to drink that margarita though.

Yesterday, for Mother’s Day I attended a mother-daughter banquet with my mother in law. It was at the church in Rimersburg where we grew up and not very many women were there, which made for a very intimate experience in meeting others.

The men holed up in the kitchen and prepared us a turkey feast- complete with my father in law’s famous stuffing balls. There was turkey, mashed potatoes, veggies, noodles, and pie a la mode for dessert. We each received a rose and a nice printed out poem about mothers being similar to angels on earth—very sweet.

My husband and son were there to help out in the kitchen and I could tell my five year old got a kick out of serving the women and being a “man” doing manly things with them.

Later I visited Tyson’s grave and put my rose there for him. I cried and for the first time started to feel somewhat better about the whole thing. We saw a rainbow on the way home and I felt like it was a sign from him telling us that he was okay where he was and that we should be too.

Today, is officially Mother’s Day. And whether you are a mother of a child or a fuzzy friend, I pray you enjoy your day and know how much you are needed and loved—regardless of what anyone does for you or says. Amen.

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you.” Isaiah 66:13

Today, as predicted, it is raining.

We were supposed to go to the school field trip to the zoo, and….get this: RIDE. THE. BUS.

My five-year-old was so excited to simply ride the bus, something that (unbeknownst to him) he will be doing every day soon enough.

It was a little disappointing that the weather didn’t cooperate so we could go on this fun trip, but I’d rather that they cancelled it than us being in the rain all day. My little one went to the doctor the other day and they told me that he has a pretty rough cold still, so staying inside (for today anyway), is probably for the best.

Today I plan to clean the bathroom and sweep up the house.

I’ll admit it’s still hard to be here without Tyson but I’ve been pushing myself every day to keep on going and to continue to do the things that remind me so much of him.

Because he passed away right beside my bed, I found it hard in the beginning to find peaceful sleep. And then after that I found it hard to physically sweep in that room just knowing I’d be sweeping up (what felt like) the last bits of him. I got over it though and now it has been nearly a month since his passing.

Because he was with me all day, I took the loss particularly hard. Every little thing seems to somehow remind me of the dog. Drying my hair for example- I used to dry his too and play a little game with him with the hair dryer. Or putting cheese on anything…I used to always give him some when I got the cheese out and I can still (if I imagine) hear him running when I would pull that plastic bag out of the refrigerator. It is the little things that I miss most.

It got me thinking this morning about all of the so-called annoyances we probably deal with daily that someday we will miss. My son can really get to me, for example, but I’d die before I’d ever give any of them up. Some of the time even my husband can get on my nerves with his little “quirks” but at the end of the day it’s what makes him, him and why I love him so much.

Today I pray that you allow yourself to see annoyances as gifts or for the little things in life that add up to the big things. When we work to serve each other on behalf of the Lord, everything becomes a joy. I pray you have a great day and even if it’s raining you find splendor in your own little world somehow and in some way. Every day should be a celebration of life. Let us not take it for granted. Amen.

“Your lovingkindess, O Lord, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies.” Psalm 36:5

My five-year-old son is singing.

It is an extremely RARE occurrence but is one of the cutest things you’d ever see. He is singing that song from the “The Lego Movie,” entitled, “Everything is Awesome.”

“Everything is awesome…he sings…everything is great when you’re part of the team.”

He goes between this and nudging me to go and get ready. Today we are going to my mom’s house and he is quite excited. I have a doctor’s appointment and she is going to watch him while I am there.

I hate to say it, but I’m somewhat nervous for this appointment. I’ve prayed about it, and that has definitely helped, but every time I go to see my psychiatrist my heart flutters a bit.

I don’t know what I’m so afraid of…all he does is give me my prescriptions and do what they call a “med check.” Nothing will have changed—let’s hope that also includes my weight, but either way these appointments sometimes have me unsettled.

One time I went to see him and they actually forgot me in the waiting room. They took an evaluation appointment (by accident) back instead and those appointments last an hour so I didn’t get to be able to see him that day at all. They felt bad. But ever since then I have been overly THERE so they make sure it doesn’t happen again upon check in.

Have you ever been anxious about something that there really wasn’t a reason to be anxious for?

Maybe it’s excitement. I told myself this this morning and you know what? It definitely helped in making it all seem more positive. Our perspectives on how we see things definitely play a role in how things turn out, so I have decided that instead of labeling this feeling as “anxiousness” I am going to tell myself I’m “excited” instead.

I could get so excited I could have a panic attack, but I know that with God’s help things will work out the way in which they are supposed to. And if I do indeed have one, I will be in the right place at the time it happens.

I pray you have a day full of peace and love and that nothing can get you anxious or worry some. God loves you and wants you to live a happy, free and joyous life. Look to Him and things will always be much easier than attempting to do things on your own. And Amen to that!

“And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you.” Philippians 1:6