healing – Party Gatherings

Killing Thyme.

Reflections…

I remember waking up in the early dawn days with my boxer at my side wondering what the day would bring…I was always so hopeful.

But I knew, that time would bring me nothing.

I never fully admitted this to myself. I kept my hope and kept praying, and worked diligently on my mindset, but truth be told, there was no action in my life that was going to save me from me.

I used to sit on this one particular part of my couch and read…searching for life’s answers, wondering as countless days, hours, minutes strolled by all around me and wondering what I was secretly going to do to actually change my situation.

I felt so hopeful and hopeless.

At that point in time in my life, I wasn’t even capable of understanding what my situation was, and dare I say that sometimes I still don’t.

But what I do know now is…that that is perfectly okay, even normal…and that all I have to do is be “willing,” to start a new beginning. I don’t have to know all the answers to begin to change my life entirely. I simply must want to change.

Awareness is the first step to the catalyst of change. But action…is the deal maker or breaker. And what you do or where you go from deciding to change, and where it leads to is or is not the actual success. It’s not what you did, it’s what you do now.

Changing from the Inside~ Out…

My main difference in becoming more awake, alive, and living a life full of meaning comes from something much greater than myself…and I have learned through personal experience and practice, that my Higher Power, when asked for His intervention will handle the rest.

All of the rest. And that is what allows me to grow, to let go, and to find peace, love and light that is in this world and all around me if I choose to see it and live each day with purpose. I live in the life of gratitude, in serving others, and in maintaining my sobriety, my program, my daily reprieve.

Living One Day at a Time…

Acceptance. There are no more “forevers.” It is always just for today…

Time…has no boundaries in this fashion. It becomes nearly illogical. To find God, we live in the now. And that is where true growth and change lives. And at the height of my journey that is where I aim to be as much as possible.

Huge breakthroughs, miracles, monumental seasons can banish old tides when we stay present and count our blessings, and it can also come crashing like new waves into your life when you finally learn to let go…and let God. Your Higher Power. Your universal truth. Your inner light. Your spiritual being. And I hope and pray you find this, because it is serenity. Bless you!

To keep things light, I have included a picture of my dead herb I found this morning on my kitchen floor, showcasing for all to see that THYME is nothing but a mind trick. Anything can happen. At ANY TIME.

Mindfulness.

A Morning Meditation on Easter Sunday…

For me…this is the most simplistic and doable spread I’ve ever allowed myself.

And for me…this was one of the most memorable moments I’ve had since the loss of my grandmother, since the absence of my mother and father, and since my growing abundance of my small family that surrounds me right now that I’ve ever had.

This moment is to be planted and harvested—it is to be stored; because it’s the first of its kind that will remind me of how I once did something that went against an old behavior.

Today—I am new.

New traditions and new happiness happen when we allow ourselves the freedom to embark on new adventures and opportunities in our lives. Growth, though sometimes painful and often difficult, allow us to see new beginnings, new possibilities, and new ways of life like never before.

And sometimes…?

That’s a very good thing.

In fact, sometimes, it is the light at the end of a long tunnel. The mat in front of the doorstep, the caring call from a new friend or neighbor, a memory of times past when we were together that reminds us of what life is really all about—love.

And how that looks for you today, even if it’s different than yesterday, is something that can never die. Love endures forever. And that is a foundational truth.

Love. Short and sweet, is all we need.

If you are full of it today, consider sharing it. Love. More than food, love can be felt and it can be shared sometimes by simply being present.

Sometimes being present is the actual gift.

And Amen to that.

Lowering Expectations.

When I first met my husband, I remember, talking non-stop. It’s something I’ve always done, but I used to be quite a chatterbox, probably not allowing others to get much more than a word in…I was young, and my beef was always with others instead of the reality of the situation—that I, in most cases was the actual problem.

I remember him telling me once, “Jeanna…you just need to just—lower your expectations—!

A man of few words, I still remember this…and what (probably) came afterwards towards him was a tidal wave a defense mechanisms, all that defended my stance and character defects in feeling as though I’d been stunned, shunned, and insulted to the highest degree.

It wouldn’t be until years later that this conversation would rear its head again, and this time it came at a point in time (when I was much older and in recovery), that I was willing to listen.

“Lowering your expectations,” even now sounds so defeatist to me. But when I really think about it, it’s truly just a ploy to help us understand how to get rid of that “all or nothing” thinking—that slight nudge we all have towards “perfectionism.”

“Progress not perfection,” they say…but what does that even mean, and how does that slogan even apply to all aspects of our journey when it comes to lowering our expectations.

For me, I realize now, that lowering my expectations does NOT mean lowering my standards, changing my values, or lowering the bar in the creation of my goals.

It does; however, mean, that I sometimes expect more out of others and situations that are even possible and THAT is what sets me up for failure and the awful feelings of disappointment and despair…and when I feel let down by others it can sometimes feel like I’m unloved, taken for granted, or that I’m on some type of “no fly” list.

So I’ve learned to lean in to what “lowering expectations” means for others and so far I’ve learned that it’s actually a very healthy way of defeating the “all or nothing” mentality.

Sometimes we wait for that perfect moment or person to come along in our lives in order to make a decision. Honest mistake, but one in which the all or nothing approach loves best…

Our minds tell us that we should be validated and emotionally invested and supported by others in order to be successful but in reality, that’s only looking for trouble. Lowering our expectations of others means we no longer need their emotional validation in order for us to be successful.

Lowering expectations can also mean:

-a realistic and achievable viewpoint

-predetermined success

-being relevant and helpful

-making things doable

-preparation for long term success

-ensuring our success by making responsible and mature choices

-being forgiving of others and oneself

So instead of carrying the stigma of negative consequences that “lowering expectations” used to have for me, I’ve flipped the script; today I instill my own best practices which include lowering my expectations and heightening realistic outcomes.

Here’s to a new day full of endless opportunities and great things for those who choose to be part of the journey in finding joy in the adventure.

May you be well—Always.

❤️

Snow, at Dawn.

When it snows

at Dawn

I see the angels calling…

All the white glitter

Of Easter or special secrets

Untouched by the human eye…

Only to melt away

With promises

Of their Return

Once More.

Agape

In the dim stillness

I am grateful to be alone.

And when I am, I feel God.

There is stillness and memories—

Alone times from year’s past—

Clear back to the stairs

in the white lace, sitting patiently,

Sitting quietly…Sitting alone.

Years before the rocking—

the tears, fears, and mental anguish…

I simply started off alone.

Curious perhaps, even afraid,

terrified of what I might find

all alone in that dim stillness.

I waited forever.

To see it.

To bask in it.

To touch it.

I could never seem to get close enough…

Until one day,

It turned me inside out.

It transformed my life.

And I was never the same

again.

Purpose from Heaven.

Having people who “don’t prefer you,” means you are living life as your true authentic self.

That you aren’t trying to make everyone like you or, “people please.”

When you, “people please,” you rob God’s handiwork in allowing others to be touched by His masterpiece…which is, of course—YOU.

Practicing self care, self love can also include simply being yourself.

Embody You.

Stay in your own lane—with God.

You will always be loved by Him and be safe.

He made You—on Purpose!

And He made You—for a Purpose!

Today’s blog post is dedicated to my Grandma, Norma Jean Vensel, one of the only members of my family to actually take interest in, and read my writing. She passed away this month at the age of 89; this one is for you, Grandma—thank you for always making me feel proud of who I am as a loved Child of God.

All Boxed Up.

I just found two full boxes of baking supplies in my dining room.

They have literally been there since Christmas…but not only did they have Christmas baking supplies in them, they also had much Valentine’s Day, red sprinkles, muffin cups for Easter, little bunny candies, and all kinds of sugary toppings one could indulge themselves with if they truly really hated themselves.

And I’m wondering…was that me???

When I took these boxes straight to the garbage can, I felt sick. I hesitated for a split second in wondering if I should be (wasting) throwing away perfectly good bags of Hershey Kisses and opened but slightly used bags of powdered sugar…the sprinkles from every holiday that had been opened and half used…should I be jamming them down into the garbage the way I was??? And why was I feeling so…

I don’t know.

I had a hard time even describing to myself everything I felt while doing this.

But it didn’t feel good…

This would have typically been a moment for me to call my mother. But instead, I decided to see if I could determine what was bothering me on my own. I had a close uncle of mine pass away somewhat recently and it truly rocked my side of the family’s world. Ever since then, I can’t help but put my own expiration date into view. It made me realize that my parents wouldn’t be here forever, that someday, and maybe someday sooner than I want, I will be here alone. And there will be no one to call to talk me through such moments of distress, or questions about life, etc.

This may sound sad, but it is part of life. And if anything, I believe that it makes us appreciate each day and each other a little bit more…hug people when you can. Listen and learn from them things they have taken from their life that they are willing to openly share…

When I was cleaning up this bakery gone wild station, it reinforced for the first time for ME that I was doing what I wanted to do, the way I wanted to do it and it was all my decision. It became empowering in that way. I sorted through these feelings and decided I should blog or write about what was within me here instead of eating my feelings. And so far, I believe I have made some major progress when it comes to developing new tactics to unsolved problems— and when it comes to new strategies in dealing with triggers and life’s offerings that we don’t always handle the best way we could. So, points for that one too.

Part of my journey has taught me, especially most recently, that “progress, not perfection” goes a very long way, and that self-love and in particular self-compassion, can often save you from yourself.

What I mean is instead of whipping myself for any little mistake or lack thereof that I might have done before, instead I leaned into the notion that I truly was, one of my own best friends…so, what, or how would I speak to a friend in this same situation? I used that voice to determine my outcome, and it completely changed my train of thought; it forgave and loved me for all that I have been through…and furthermore it asked me to put away my harsh voice, and to never let it back in the door ever again.

We all make choices, but knowing who we are…at the very pit of us…at the very bottom of our very lowest, is where we often find who we are looking for…and sometimes you must dig very very deep to find this person, and often when you do find them, they are huddled shivering in a dark corner somewhere…and that’s when you realize that in order to save yourself…you must first forgive yourself, you must love yourself, you must see yourself as God sees you…as a child. As one of His children. And no one can change that. You belong somewhere. And you are forever and ever loved.

The sooner you believe this and feel this, the freer you might be from all the things that try to tell you otherwise. And there are tons of delusions in our world; lots of trains of thought that get us… that turn our heads in the wrong direction, ones that confuse and devastate us, and truly ones that break our heart…but know–that you are never broken. You may feel sometimes like you have been smashed and pieces of you and your soul are everywhere…but it is only confusion. The strength and love that is inside of you, is always much greater than what anything outside of you could ever do.

I hope that this reaches someone today that needs to hear some type of message about love. I consider myself a continued survivor. What I mean by that I’m not quite sure…but I keep on living and healing and loving and somehow? It makes my life more and more worth living. So, I thank you, God. Thank you to my Higher Power for working through me to help others, to love them, to help them see themselves for the magnificence that they truly are.

And Amen…to that.

You are magnificent!

Dig.

My memories are like seeds…

That have been cut in half.

Half of them grew

Half of them didn’t

And the ones that remain

Somehow wedged in the Earth,

Are broken.

They shift

They change shape

As they long to grow

To see the Sun.

When It’s Time.

There will come a day

When I hear the birds

For a final time.

Will the clock still

Tick without me?

It did for you…

And now I sit

And wait for it

Each morning to

Somehow bring you

Back…

This clock

That was yours.

This time that is still ours somehow

Together…

The birds still chirp.

I think of you.

Family Matters.

My past tells me there is nothing worse than family pain, but even worse than that is when it becomes public.
I remember trying very hard (in the moment) to not say or do anything I’d later regret, to rise above, and to grant forgiveness even though it was never asked for, even when I was being dragged through the coals unnecessarily or when I felt completely wronged. I stayed silent.

I said nothing in response to the character attacks, to the assassination that was me…
And I apologized for anything I could’ve done to deserve abandonment. And I stayed silent.

No one knew the truth. My truth. And I didn’t dare suggest it in order to not disrespect my family or out them in their privacy. Even though they ripped mine apart. I stayed silent.

In the end I apologized for things that I could’ve been accountable for, which were nill, but I did it anyway. I did it to reestablish the peace, not just for me, but for my household, the ones living amongst my pain and chaos. And then, I stayed silent.

After this was over, after I was forgiven, I never was afforded the same understanding. And I stayed silent.

It bothered me briefly, but I put it away and moved on…I stayed silent.

What I learned is that some people need to be understood in their own ignorance. That some people need left right where they are so that you can move on…
Some people will never get the opportunity to grow because they can’t allow themselves to see fault or accept any type of accountability or responsibility for their part that they played in anything.
And that is the true crime—the life that’s not lived. The stagnant soul. The one that refuses change. Change being the reason life’s worth living in the first place.

I’d rather be silent.
And love. And move on.