Sobriety – Party Gatherings

Killing Thyme.

Reflections…

I remember waking up in the early dawn days with my boxer at my side wondering what the day would bring…I was always so hopeful.

But I knew, that time would bring me nothing.

I never fully admitted this to myself. I kept my hope and kept praying, and worked diligently on my mindset, but truth be told, there was no action in my life that was going to save me from me.

I used to sit on this one particular part of my couch and read…searching for life’s answers, wondering as countless days, hours, minutes strolled by all around me and wondering what I was secretly going to do to actually change my situation.

I felt so hopeful and hopeless.

At that point in time in my life, I wasn’t even capable of understanding what my situation was, and dare I say that sometimes I still don’t.

But what I do know now is…that that is perfectly okay, even normal…and that all I have to do is be “willing,” to start a new beginning. I don’t have to know all the answers to begin to change my life entirely. I simply must want to change.

Awareness is the first step to the catalyst of change. But action…is the deal maker or breaker. And what you do or where you go from deciding to change, and where it leads to is or is not the actual success. It’s not what you did, it’s what you do now.

Changing from the Inside~ Out…

My main difference in becoming more awake, alive, and living a life full of meaning comes from something much greater than myself…and I have learned through personal experience and practice, that my Higher Power, when asked for His intervention will handle the rest.

All of the rest. And that is what allows me to grow, to let go, and to find peace, love and light that is in this world and all around me if I choose to see it and live each day with purpose. I live in the life of gratitude, in serving others, and in maintaining my sobriety, my program, my daily reprieve.

Living One Day at a Time…

Acceptance. There are no more “forevers.” It is always just for today…

Time…has no boundaries in this fashion. It becomes nearly illogical. To find God, we live in the now. And that is where true growth and change lives. And at the height of my journey that is where I aim to be as much as possible.

Huge breakthroughs, miracles, monumental seasons can banish old tides when we stay present and count our blessings, and it can also come crashing like new waves into your life when you finally learn to let go…and let God. Your Higher Power. Your universal truth. Your inner light. Your spiritual being. And I hope and pray you find this, because it is serenity. Bless you!

To keep things light, I have included a picture of my dead herb I found this morning on my kitchen floor, showcasing for all to see that THYME is nothing but a mind trick. Anything can happen. At ANY TIME.

Unfriend.

I have been so many people in my life, but as an active alcoholic I isolated into nothingness. They call this the last stage of alcoholism—the state of oblivion…

There was no more joy, frustration, hurt, or pain…just a bruised shell of a body and a warped soul that was so beaten down that it finally came to the last door…

And that door was hopelessness.

I had a close friend do me wrong recently—very wrong actually.

I had been self isolating for so long towards the end of my drinking years that I’m not too sure I knew whether or not it was even possible for me to make friends again. But, once I was in recovery for some time, pieces of me began to float back…they reminded me of who I really was—who I am today and it’s something I’m still investigating.

And although in recovery, I was quite hesitant in making anyone I knew or worked with a friend, I did so anyway.

I used to punish myself for outcomes like these. When relationships don’t work out…I can almost hear my own inner thoughts now: “I told you so…when are you going to finally realize that no one actually cares about you—no one likes you.”

Recovery has taught me to rewind the tape. To become aware of the inner narrative that says these things, and to flip them around in my favor…otherwise I’ll drink.

Also, I must always remember that feelings aren’t always true.

Recovery has taught me how to love and live and give back mainly because of the new tools and means by which I’ve learned to cope. I now have a strong foundational support unit, others just like me, and ones that know what it means to escape death…and at least once.

The hope I always needed to make it one day at a time was there all along, it was just a matter of finding it and in finally being ready to turn my life over to something much greater than myself in order to be saved. And I did it.

Today I take risks. I see disappointments as new opportunities and new beginnings; I’m grateful and willing to change. And in that way, my experiences are endless—and so are my blessings.

Xoxo

Agape

In the dim stillness

I am grateful to be alone.

And when I am, I feel God.

There is stillness and memories—

Alone times from year’s past—

Clear back to the stairs

in the white lace, sitting patiently,

Sitting quietly…Sitting alone.

Years before the rocking—

the tears, fears, and mental anguish…

I simply started off alone.

Curious perhaps, even afraid,

terrified of what I might find

all alone in that dim stillness.

I waited forever.

To see it.

To bask in it.

To touch it.

I could never seem to get close enough…

Until one day,

It turned me inside out.

It transformed my life.

And I was never the same

again.

To Be Willing.

I used to be very overwhelmed. I suffered from what felt like a debilitating form of anxiety. There was never “just one” problem—the world seemed like it was my enemy.

When I started on a spiritual path to serve God, things changed. I was no longer depending upon myself, but giving it all to a power far greater than I was.

I’m no longer ill at ease when I work on my transformation—to be a living sacrifice to the God of my understanding.

I know now, that all I need is to be “willing.” God does for me what I can’t do for myself.

In a Nutshell.

My uncle died sober—a goal for us all, but he was definitely one of us. He was truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Years ago on Thanksgiving his wife, my aunt, committed suicide after being pulled over the night before for a DUI. No one knew of her struggles with alcoholism.

Years later, uncle Glenn came close to death when he wrecked his car and broke his neck.

He moved in with my mom and dad.

My dad, then a recovering alcoholic introduced him to the fellowship and the rest is history.

My father growing up was an awful alcoholic and it was a very tumultuous and secretively upsetting upbringing for both me and my brother.

Two years ago on April 21st I decided to tell my secret—that I too was an alcoholic. My father didn’t hesitate to show up at my door, big book in hand.

And that’s where and when I started my journey of recovery.

That’s when I became free.

That’s when I gave everything to a power much bigger than myself.

And to this day, I feel my aunt didn’t die in vain; I believe like ripples in a pond, I was saved.

Happy Birthday.

Two years ago today, I decided to make some major changes in my life.

I have been inspired, challenged, worked, and motivated, to make ME a better me, not just for my own sake, but for those that love me and surround me.

I’ve learned many lessons, but the most important one is that I am part of a bigger existence. It’s not just all about me…and that my self will, will get me shorted each and every time.
I depend upon and pay homage to a Higher Power—My Life Force—the Master of Change and Forgiveness—My Creator.

And today, I know a new peace. A new serenity, and a new life.
Blessings. 💚

Everybody Knows.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long-stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Oh, give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
When you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe’s still picking cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
Everybody knows

Songwriters: Leonard Cohen / Sharon Robinson

Express Yourself.

Recently I have stopped posting as much in regards to my faith.

Everyday, I devote morning time with God. I pray. And if I feel led, I create a post or other form of writing that I’ve been inspired to share.

There are times—like right now, when expressing yourself is hard—it’s nearly crucifying. And the hate and criticism is real even if found and spread on a thread.

But, the Savior of the world lives in me and through me. And I am a believer.

Living by faith and trusting my Higher Power makes me my best self. It gives me purpose and allows me to help others, and that is a true calling I’ve decided I can’t ignore. ❤️

2 Years Ago Today…

We were met with uncertainty and a certain newness that can evoke fear.

2 Years Ago Today…

We were masked and told to be brave during troubling times.

2 Years Ago Today…Armed with God, I wrote this:

“Trying to remain hopeful and know that positive things are coming. Change may cause us all grief but the biggest growths have come from the ability to accept the things we can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference. I would say then that the goal here is not just survive. But to thrive! Learn from what life has to offer. Take this time to become more one with yourself and at the same time learn through others in how they are allowing (or not allowing) controversy and sickness to ruin their lives. God is good. ALL the time! He will prevail indefinitely. The story has already been written. Rejoice! And count your blessings. Lean on one another but more so-put your trust in Him. God will protect and comfort you. God bless!”

2 Years Ago And Today…

I take a look at myself, and thank God, again, for new beginnings.

God is good. All the time.

SQUIRM.

To live an honest life,

To share your light with the world

You must be brave.

And sometimes,

You have to be braver than what you think you are.

This is how you get to be braver

Than what you are…

By being the bravest.

And sometimes, it all works out in the end.

And before you know it,

Something new is just beginning.

Something new is asking you

To be even braver

Than you ever were before.

I live to serve the Lord in everything that I do.

This includes, the light and love that I share with the world. The love that comes from me, comes from God and in that alone, I am free.

“Your faithful love is priceless, God! Humanity finds refuge in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 36:7