To Be Willing.

I used to be very overwhelmed. I suffered from what felt like a debilitating form of anxiety. There was never “just one” problem—the world seemed like it was my enemy.

When I started on a spiritual path to serve God, things changed. I was no longer depending upon myself, but giving it all to a power far greater than I was.

I’m no longer ill at ease when I work on my transformation—to be a living sacrifice to the God of my understanding.

I know now, that all I need is to be “willing.” God does for me what I can’t do for myself.

In a Nutshell.

My uncle died sober—a goal for us all, but he was definitely one of us. He was truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Years ago on Thanksgiving his wife, my aunt, committed suicide after being pulled over the night before for a DUI. No one knew of her struggles with alcoholism.

Years later, uncle Glenn came close to death when he wrecked his car and broke his neck.

He moved in with my mom and dad.

My dad, then a recovering alcoholic introduced him to the fellowship and the rest is history.

My father growing up was an awful alcoholic and it was a very tumultuous and secretively upsetting upbringing for both me and my brother.

Two years ago on April 21st I decided to tell my secret—that I too was an alcoholic. My father didn’t hesitate to show up at my door, big book in hand.

And that’s where and when I started my journey of recovery.

That’s when I became free.

That’s when I gave everything to a power much bigger than myself.

And to this day, I feel my aunt didn’t die in vain; I believe like ripples in a pond, I was saved.

Happy Birthday.

Two years ago today, I decided to make some major changes in my life.

I have been inspired, challenged, worked, and motivated, to make ME a better me, not just for my own sake, but for those that love me and surround me.

I’ve learned many lessons, but the most important one is that I am part of a bigger existence. It’s not just all about me…and that my self will, will get me shorted each and every time.
I depend upon and pay homage to a Higher Power—My Life Force—the Master of Change and Forgiveness—My Creator.

And today, I know a new peace. A new serenity, and a new life.
Blessings. 💚

Everybody Knows.

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost
Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died
Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long-stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you’ve been faithful
Oh, give or take a night or two
Everybody knows you’ve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows
Everybody knows, everybody knows
That’s how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it’s now or never
Everybody knows that it’s me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
When you’ve done a line or two
Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe’s still picking cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it’s moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past
Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there’s gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you’re in trouble
Everybody knows what you’ve been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu
Everybody knows it’s coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
Everybody knows

Songwriters: Leonard Cohen / Sharon Robinson

Everybody Knows lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Express Yourself.

Recently I have stopped posting as much in regards to my faith.

Everyday, I devote morning time with God. I pray. And if I feel led, I create a post or other form of writing that I’ve been inspired to share.

There are times—like right now, when expressing yourself is hard—it’s nearly crucifying. And the hate and criticism is real even if found and spread on a thread.

But, the Savior of the world lives in me and through me. And I am a believer.

Living by faith and trusting my Higher Power makes me my best self. It gives me purpose and allows me to help others, and that is a true calling I’ve decided I can’t ignore. ❤️

2 Years Ago Today…

2 Years Ago Today…

We were met with uncertainty and a certain newness that can evoke fear.

2 Years Ago Today…

We were masked and told to be brave during troubling times.

2 Years Ago Today…Armed with God, I wrote this:

“Trying to remain hopeful and know that positive things are coming. Change may cause us all grief but the biggest growths have come from the ability to accept the things we can’t change and the wisdom to know the difference. I would say then that the goal here is not just survive. But to thrive! Learn from what life has to offer. Take this time to become more one with yourself and at the same time learn through others in how they are allowing (or not allowing) controversy and sickness to ruin their lives. God is good. ALL the time! He will prevail indefinitely. The story has already been written. Rejoice! And count your blessings. Lean on one another but more so-put your trust in Him. God will protect and comfort you. God bless!”

2 Years Ago And Today…

I take a look at myself, and thank God, again, for new beginnings.

God is good. All the time.


To live an honest life,

To share your light with the world

You must be brave.

And sometimes,

You have to be braver than what you think you are.

This is how you get to be braver

Than what you are…

By being the bravest.

And sometimes, it all works out in the end.

And before you know it,

Something new is just beginning.

Something new is asking you

To be even braver

Than you ever were before.

I live to serve the Lord in everything that I do.

This includes, the light and love that I share with the world. The love that comes from me, comes from God and in that alone, I am free.

“Your faithful love is priceless, God! Humanity finds refuge in the shadow of your wings.” Psalm 36:7

Just Like Honey.

Honey is gold.

It is slow moving and certain.

It is exact and penetrating or thick and solid.

It can be heavy or light—but always sweet.

The words of God are even sweeter, more awe inspiring, and forever filled with love.

And what a sweet way to start the day…

To find God in everything.

“A scar does not form on the dying.
A scar means I survived.”
Chris Cleave

Won with Pain.

This happened once.

Feeling broken became so familiar to me that at one point, it became my friend. And once that happened, my life began to change.

Instead of bent and broken I became jointed and liberated,
Instead of fearful and weak I became strong and fearless,
Instead of focusing on bad experiences and things out of my control, I became valued and renewed.

My experiences, once painful, were now the experiences I could use to help others. And that’s what it’s all about—Service. It’s truly all about perspectives I guess…and when you no longer fear the pain, it serves you, and that’s so powerful. That’s healing.


The Wings of Fire.

I don’t know if you know this about me or not, but I got sober on the 21st of some month in the Spring of 2020. It is now January of 2022, and according to my husband, it has been a long long time since I wrote for this blog. The truth is, I didn’t think I had it in me. I didn’t feel it…I couldn’t remember how I felt all of those mornings I woke up so early, all of those times I reminisced about my boxer, Tyson, how I felt when celebrating huge milestones, I’d never had before…nothing. I couldn’t remember.

Part of me thought…somewhere deep down inside, that I had lost it.

Maybe when we write, we lose things…what we gain is more head space perhaps, more places to put things like thoughts and worries, fears, and uncalculated thoughts. I don’t know. What I do know is…that since I’ve been trying to write this so called blog, just since I started, my husband has interrupted me twice, once for something I ignored so I don’t know what he needed, and the other was when he actually brought me my child’s homework to show me that my kid shouldn’t have missed the 1 point that he did because the teacher was wrong….

Either way, it has all made me think about that working from home stuff. The struggle. This new idea that my family and I have been working with and moving full forcibly toward, and that it is a lot nicer in our heads than it is physically speaking…at least for me. The tv is on, my husband is munching on something, my dog is snoring, and my son is watching something in the bedroom so loud it truly outweighs the noise that is out here with my husband and me. But somehow, someway I have done this before…. I used to blog quite frequently, maybe in the early morning, but nowadays there isn’t much time even in those allotted little moments. And I’m finding less and less time somehow for myself.

I started seeing my counselor again this week. It was the first time in the last handful of years that I went willingly and wanted to start therapy constructively. I was finally ready. She was blown away to see me the way I was…so mentally…I dunno. There. So, present perhaps. So ready. But I was. According to my phone app, as of today, I am 636 days sober. After the first year, I sort of stopped keeping track. It had been a very large feat. In fact, the whole entire first year was the first time, ever in my life that I had ever done anything to the degree in which I had done it…getting sober…not just for me but for my family and those around me. I had never had to work so hard before for anything. I truly felt like I was exorcising demons or something from my inner soul. It was a year of miracles, and daily struggle. But at the end of the year, it was a huge celebration. And then…. the next day came. And I realized, that my life would forever have to be one day at a time. What next? I had worked so hard that whole first year just to get to “the next day.” But once I hit a year…I don’t know. I guess I secretly expected something to happen, but it didn’t. Just like on your birthday. The next day…it ultimately comes and the next day…the cake is no longer there. You must continue to trudge, to find new goals, new happiness, new dreams, and new ambitions….and this was always something that was hard for me to do anyway. I honestly never thought though, that I would’ve lived to be 40 years old. But this year, I did. And I did soberly in fact too.

Being sober has changed my life in so many ways, but it has more so changed the way in which I view myself. I have more self-respect and I am learning slowly over time, to eraser what negative thoughts I’ve made about myself and replace them with new, interesting, and vivid new thoughts that I think about me. It has truly been a year of understanding who I am…without booze, without excuses, without having a toddler at home, without grief, without any of the old excuses I used to have in my life. I am at the heaviest weight I’ve ever been and somehow…I am at my most natural ME than ever. Like, ever in my life…. maybe even since I was a mere baby. I feel like right now, I have found my center, that I have been placed back into this body to continue a life path I might have never had had I not decided to change. And change I did.

Change I did with the help of a Higher Power. A power much greater than I could have ever been. I know you know my old blogs and the eye openers I used to write about…back when I was newly saved. Back when things for me began to take their turn…as they did. There was only one way for me to go…and it either had to be up and all the way or nothing at all. SO eventually, the cup completely overturned, and I was completely in God’s hands. He washed me off, and replanted me right back here in this place, the place where he wished me to be. And he gave me aides. People that surround me now that are here just for me to lean on and learn from. And all the negative and evil that was in my life before is gone. Completely. It was all clean slated out. And it is no longer in existence. Not as it pertains to me anyway. I no longer ask for it though either. I now know that if you are stupid enough to ask the Devil for his games, he will most definitely bring them, and bring them all he will, but I also know how God brings the wings of fire and total transformation. He saves. He has powers that are far greater than anything I’ve ever seen, and the Devil knows this…and he knows when his time is up. I know for a fact that my Higher Power removed from me things I could not have removed from myself. My defects of character they call them. My life was unmanageable and that was putting it lightly. But the truth was…I had put not only me in danger, but also at one point or another my family. And I felt the wings of angels come multiple times to intervene. Nothing can quite explain it, but the “girls” as I call them were all here. And they took care of my child and me when need be. I will forever be grateful.

I will forever know this truth is mine alone. That what I have experienced is something that I could never share here on Earth with anyone but was something my mind experienced and that alone was the most out of this world experience that I’ve ever had in my life. And that is okay. Nothing could have explained it otherwise. And that is okay. I’ve never believed in something either as I do the way I do my experiences. I know for a fact, that I did nothing. It was removed from me. I was rehabilitated as God saw fit and given new life. And truly the only way this body and mind would have ever worked concretely again, as successfully again is if a miracle like that would have happened. And it did. It shook me for a couple of years. But I processed it, and I still think about it. But I’m ready to finally move on now. Now I realize this life, this job, this body, this mind, this opportunity as it was given to me, and I know that I have a responsibility to use it for what it was given to me for, and I’ll always move forward knowing now that I have a purpose. I don’t always have to know it; I just must keep moving forward…because it is in the unknowing that the biggest possibilities can happen. “When nothing is sure, everything is possible.” Margaret Drabble

And this old writing thing? I guess I still got it.