Category: Sobriety

Killing Thyme.

Reflections…

I remember waking up in the early dawn days with my boxer at my side wondering what the day would bring…I was always so hopeful.

But I knew, that time would bring me nothing.

I never fully admitted this to myself. I kept my hope and kept praying, and worked diligently on my mindset, but truth be told, there was no action in my life that was going to save me from me.

I used to sit on this one particular part of my couch and read…searching for life’s answers, wondering as countless days, hours, minutes strolled by all around me and wondering what I was secretly going to do to actually change my situation.

I felt so hopeful and hopeless. 

At that point in time in my life, I wasn’t even capable of understanding what my situation was, and dare I say that sometimes I still don’t.

But what I do know now is…that that is perfectly okay, even normal…and that all I have to do is be “willing,” to start a new beginning. I don’t have to know all the answers to begin to change my life entirely. I simply must want to change.

Awareness is the first step to the catalyst of change. But action…is the deal maker or breaker. And what you do or where you go from deciding to change, and where it leads to is or is not the actual success. It’s not what you did, it’s what you do now.

Changing from the Inside~ Out…

My main difference in becoming more awake, alive, and living a life full of meaning comes from something much greater than myself…and I have learned through personal experience and practice, that  my Higher Power, when asked for His intervention will handle the rest.

All of the rest. And that is what allows me to grow, to let go, and to find peace, love and light that is in this world and all around me if I choose to see it and live each day with purpose. I live in the life of gratitude, in serving others, and in maintaining my sobriety, my program, my daily reprieve. 

 

Living One Day at a Time…

Acceptance. There are no more “forevers.” It is always just for today…

Time…has no boundaries in this fashion. It becomes nearly illogical. To find God, we live in the now. And that is where true growth and change lives. And at the height of my journey that is where I aim to be as much as possible. 

Huge breakthroughs, miracles, monumental seasons can banish old tides when we stay present and count our blessings, and it can also come crashing like new waves into your life when you finally learn to let go…and let God. Your Higher Power. Your universal truth. Your inner light. Your spiritual being. And I hope and pray you find this, because it is serenity. Bless you!

 

To keep things light, I have included a picture of my dead herb I found this morning on my kitchen floor, showcasing for all to see that THYME is nothing but a mind trick. Anything can happen. At ANY TIME.

Unfriend.

I have been so many people in my life, but as an active alcoholic I isolated into nothingness. They call this the last stage of alcoholism—the state of oblivion…

There was no more joy, frustration, hurt, or pain…just a bruised shell of a body and a warped soul that was so beaten down that it finally came to the last door…

And that door was hopelessness.

I had a close friend do me wrong recently—very wrong actually.

I had been self isolating for so long towards the end of my drinking years that I’m not too sure I knew whether or not it was even possible for me to make friends again. But, once I was in recovery for some time, pieces of me began to float back…they reminded me of who I really was—who I am today and it’s something I’m still investigating.

And although in recovery, I was quite hesitant in making anyone I knew or worked with a friend, I did so anyway.

I used to punish myself for outcomes like these. When relationships don’t work out…I can almost hear my own inner thoughts now: “I told you so…when are you going to finally realize that no one actually cares about you—no one likes you.”

Recovery has taught me to rewind the tape. To become aware of the inner narrative that says these things, and to flip them around in my favor…otherwise I’ll drink.

Also, I must always remember that feelings aren’t always true.

Recovery has taught me how to love and live and give back mainly because of the new tools and means by which I’ve learned to cope. I now have a strong foundational support unit, others just like me, and ones that know what it means to escape death…and at least once.

The hope I always needed to make it one day at a time was there all along, it was just a matter of finding it and in finally being ready to turn my life over to something much greater than myself in order to be saved. And I did it.

Today I take risks. I see disappointments as new opportunities and new beginnings; I’m grateful and willing to change. And in that way, my experiences are endless—and so are my blessings.

Xoxo

Lowering Expectations.

When I first met my husband, I remember, talking non-stop. It’s something I’ve always done, but I used to be quite a chatterbox, probably not allowing others to get much more than a word in…I was young, and my beef was always with others instead of the reality of the situation—that I, in most cases was the actual problem.

I remember him telling me once, “Jeanna…you just need to just—lower your expectations—!

A man of few words, I still remember this…and what (probably) came afterwards towards him was a tidal wave a defense mechanisms, all that defended my stance and character defects in feeling as though I’d been stunned, shunned, and insulted to the highest degree.

It wouldn’t be until years later that this conversation would rear its head again, and this time it came at a point in time (when I was much older and in recovery), that I was willing to listen.

“Lowering your expectations,” even now sounds so defeatist to me. But when I really think about it, it’s truly just a ploy to help us understand how to get rid of that “all or nothing” thinking—that slight nudge we all have towards “perfectionism.”

“Progress not perfection,” they say…but what does that even mean, and how does that slogan even apply to all aspects of our journey when it comes to lowering our expectations.

For me, I realize now, that lowering my expectations does NOT mean lowering my standards, changing my values, or lowering the bar in the creation of my goals.

It does; however, mean, that I sometimes expect more out of others and situations that are even possible and THAT is what sets me up for failure and the awful feelings of disappointment and despair…and when I feel let down by others it can sometimes feel like I’m unloved, taken for granted, or that I’m on some type of “no fly” list.

So I’ve learned to lean in to what “lowering expectations” means for others and so far I’ve learned that it’s actually a very healthy way of defeating the “all or nothing” mentality.

Sometimes we wait for that perfect moment or person to come along in our lives in order to make a decision. Honest mistake, but one in which the all or nothing approach loves best…

Our minds tell us that we should be validated and emotionally invested and supported by others in order to be successful but in reality, that’s only looking for trouble. Lowering our expectations of others means we no longer need their emotional validation in order for us to be successful.

Lowering expectations can also mean:

-a realistic and achievable viewpoint

-predetermined success

-being relevant and helpful

-making things doable

-preparation for long term success

-ensuring our success by making responsible and mature choices

-being forgiving of others and oneself

So instead of carrying the stigma of negative consequences that “lowering expectations” used to have for me, I’ve flipped the script; today I instill my own best practices which include lowering my expectations and heightening realistic outcomes.

Here’s to a new day full of endless opportunities and great things for those who choose to be part of the journey in finding joy in the adventure.

May you be well—Always.

❤️

All Boxed Up.

I just found two full boxes of baking supplies in my dining room.

They have literally been there since Christmas…but not only did they have Christmas baking supplies in them, they also had much Valentine’s Day, red sprinkles, muffin cups for Easter, little bunny candies, and all kinds of sugary toppings one could indulge themselves with if they truly really hated themselves.

And I’m wondering…was that me???

When I took these boxes straight to the garbage can, I felt sick. I hesitated for a split second in wondering if I should be (wasting) throwing away perfectly good bags of Hershey Kisses and opened but slightly used bags of powdered sugar…the sprinkles from every holiday that had been opened and half used…should I be jamming them down into the garbage the way I was??? And why was I feeling so…

I don’t know.

I had a hard time even describing to myself everything I felt while doing this.

But it didn’t feel good…

This would have typically been a moment for me to call my mother. But instead, I decided to see if I could determine what was bothering me on my own. I had a close uncle of mine pass away somewhat recently and it truly rocked my side of the family’s world. Ever since then, I can’t help but put my own expiration date into view. It made me realize that my parents wouldn’t be here forever, that someday, and maybe someday sooner than I want, I will be here alone. And there will be no one to call to talk me through such moments of distress, or questions about life, etc.

This may sound sad, but it is part of life. And if anything, I believe that it makes us appreciate each day and each other a little bit more…hug people when you can. Listen and learn from them things they have taken from their life that they are willing to openly share…

When I was cleaning up this bakery gone wild station, it reinforced for the first time for ME that I was doing what I wanted to do, the way I wanted to do it and it was all my decision. It became empowering in that way. I sorted through these feelings and decided I should blog or write about what was within me here instead of eating my feelings. And so far, I believe I have made some major progress when it comes to developing new tactics to unsolved problems— and when it comes to new strategies in dealing with triggers and life’s offerings that we don’t always handle the best way we could. So, points for that one too.

Part of my journey has taught me, especially most recently, that “progress, not perfection” goes a very long way, and that self-love and in particular self-compassion, can often save you from yourself.

What I mean is instead of whipping myself for any little mistake or lack thereof that I might have done before, instead I leaned into the notion that I truly was, one of my own best friends…so, what, or how would I speak to a friend in this same situation? I used that voice to determine my outcome, and it completely changed my train of thought; it forgave and loved me for all that I have been through…and furthermore it asked me to put away my harsh voice, and to never let it back in the door ever again.

We all make choices, but knowing who we are…at the very pit of us…at the very bottom of our very lowest, is where we often find who we are looking for…and sometimes you must dig very very deep to find this person, and often when you do find them, they are huddled shivering in a dark corner somewhere…and that’s when you realize that in order to save yourself…you must first forgive yourself, you must love yourself, you must see yourself as God sees you…as a child. As one of His children. And no one can change that. You belong somewhere. And you are forever and ever loved.

The sooner you believe this and feel this, the freer you might be from all the things that try to tell you otherwise. And there are tons of delusions in our world; lots of trains of thought that get us… that turn our heads in the wrong direction, ones that confuse and devastate us, and truly ones that break our heart…but know–that you are never broken. You may feel sometimes like you have been smashed and pieces of you and your soul are everywhere…but it is only confusion. The strength and love that is inside of you, is always much greater than what anything outside of you could ever do.

I hope that this reaches someone today that needs to hear some type of message about love. I consider myself a continued survivor. What I mean by that I’m not quite sure…but I keep on living and healing and loving and somehow? It makes my life more and more worth living. So, I thank you, God. Thank you to my Higher Power for working through me to help others, to love them, to help them see themselves for the magnificence that they truly are.

And Amen…to that.

You are magnificent!

To Be Willing.

I used to be very overwhelmed. I suffered from what felt like a debilitating form of anxiety. There was never “just one” problem—the world seemed like it was my enemy.


When I started on a spiritual path to serve God, things changed. I was no longer depending upon myself, but giving it all to a power far greater than I was.


I’m no longer ill at ease when I work on my transformation—to be a living sacrifice to the God of my understanding.


I know now, that all I need is to be “willing.” God does for me what I can’t do for myself.

In a Nutshell.

My uncle died sober—a goal for us all, but he was definitely one of us. He was truly one of the most amazing people I have ever met.

Years ago on Thanksgiving his wife, my aunt, committed suicide after being pulled over the night before for a DUI. No one knew of her struggles with alcoholism.

Years later, uncle Glenn came close to death when he wrecked his car and broke his neck.

He moved in with my mom and dad.

My dad, then a recovering alcoholic introduced him to the fellowship and the rest is history.

My father growing up was an awful alcoholic and it was a very tumultuous and secretively upsetting upbringing for both me and my brother.


Two years ago on April 21st I decided to tell my secret—that I too was an alcoholic. My father didn’t hesitate to show up at my door, big book in hand.

And that’s where and when I started my journey of recovery.

That’s when I became free.

That’s when I gave everything to a power much bigger than myself.

And to this day, I feel my aunt didn’t die in vain; I believe like ripples in a pond, I was saved.